Blog Post #1: “On Faithfulness...”
January 23, 2023“Can there be any greater cruelty for a lover than the unfaithfulness of the woman he loves?…
…We are faithful as long as we love, but you demand faithfulness of a woman without love, and the giving of herself without enjoyment. Who is cruel there--woman or man? You of the North in general take love too soberly and seriously. You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure…
That is why our emotions are honorable and virtuous, and our relations permanent…
…Shall I belong to one man whom I don’t love, merely because I have once loved him? No, I do not renounce; I love everyone who pleases me, and give happiness to everyone who loves me. Is that ugly? No, it is more beautiful by far, than if cruelly I enjoy the tortures, which my beauty excites, and virtuously reject the poor fellow who is pining away for me…”
- Wanda von Dunajew in Venus in Furs (1870)
…We are faithful as long as we love, but you demand faithfulness of a woman without love, and the giving of herself without enjoyment. Who is cruel there--woman or man? You of the North in general take love too soberly and seriously. You talk of duties where there should be only a question of pleasure…
That is why our emotions are honorable and virtuous, and our relations permanent…
…Shall I belong to one man whom I don’t love, merely because I have once loved him? No, I do not renounce; I love everyone who pleases me, and give happiness to everyone who loves me. Is that ugly? No, it is more beautiful by far, than if cruelly I enjoy the tortures, which my beauty excites, and virtuously reject the poor fellow who is pining away for me…”
- Wanda von Dunajew in Venus in Furs (1870)
I’ve been feeling sentimental over a handful of clients —those of you who I see as romantic friends and devoted lovers.
An unusual feeling dawned on me as I left the house of a longtime client. I was having difficulty admitting that I had developed some emotional attachment to them. It was true that I would genuinely miss his company just as much as I (cheekily) told him he would miss mine. It was around the time of the holidays when I left OC to move back to the Bay Area; I wondered how he was doing. I was hopeful that he would be able to have some meaningful connections over the holidays with his daughter who lived a state over, or at the very least with some good people near by.
Admittingly I have been coming to terms with the “ethics” of how I can express my love. I’ve been unlearning “feudal love”. One person is not deserving of all my love nor am I entitled to all of one’s love. The concept of market shortages and disequilibrium does not apply to the heart. My love is unlimited and can be shared with those I deem worthy of it.
It’s not uncommon I’m asked if I have a partner, boyfriend, lover, or whatever. I know what a toxic five year heterosexual monogamous relationship feels like. I know myself to be fickle and have warned lovers that was how I was. I never felt “well enough” for a conventional relationship. The thought of potentially being someone’s everything forever until death terrified me. Polyamory sounded pretentious to me and seemed like more emotional labor than I was willing to put in. And often I enjoy basking in my alone time more than most. My social battery runs out very quick. I need many things in order to maintain homeostasis to regulate my emotions daily… I don’t know many lovers who could be compatible with the way I live. It does make me sad to admit this to myself sometimes; but I’ve learned new ways to love that still allow me to feel whole… I’m still figuring out if the way I choose to love is perhaps rooted in a philosophy called “relationship anarchy”.
The love I share with my romantic friends and lovers is enough intimacy to make me feel euphorically lost in a soul for a brief period of time while allowing me to still feel in control of my life. It’s like a dream ––a lucid type of dream that allows me to practice emotional control and autonomy as I gift my love to you. I can gift my love to you in fair sustainable amounts, that way it feels endless each time we meet again. My love feels “honorable and virtuous”… faithful and true.
I thank many of you for allowing me to love you in this way. It’s healed my heart in ways my past self would have never thought imaginable. I wonder if the feeling is mutual or if my post has given you some food for thought… nonetheless, I adore you. I even think about your passing, that there will come a day that it will happen and I may never know. But for now I am cherishing the time I have with you.